It didn't just feel like words. It felt like a whisper directly into my heart. It felt like a promise. It felt like permission. Permission to trust God to carry me. Permission to trust God to care for me. Permission to release my fears to him. To set my feet upon the rock and know that no matter what the future would bring he would firmly hold my hand. It felt like a promise that I would not walk this path again. That my pain, my heartache, my unexplainable loss was not a recurring event but a moment in time that God was using for His undeniable good. A promise that new things were coming. It was the whisper that He can do anything and everything beyond my expectations and that life would overflow from Him but for me. It felt like a vision of my sweet Noah sitting beside the majestic river of life which flows directly from God's throne... splashing in the water and skipping rocks while speaking his own prayers for his mommy and daddy to his Heavenly Father. It felt like the first real light of hope I had experienced in a very long time.
For many months that scripture has worked it's way through my spirit, soul, and body. I have clung to it. It is as if it was written specifically for me... to heal pieces of me. It planted the seed of hope and trust in my life and I heard God say it's okay to try again. So we did. And somehow was I was surprised when God fulfilled his promise to me. Somehow I am shocked by his faithfulness. Somehow I am blown away that the name I wrote down in the back of my bible the day I read that scripture now has a child attached to it. The name God breathed into my lungs as if it were always there, Isaiah Maxwell. (God is Salvation, Great Stream) Another little boy to fill our hearts and our home... to bring back joy... to remind us that yes, this life can be downright terrible but there will always be light in the darkness. A little boy with his big brother's DNA coursing through his body. His own unique person with touches of the baby we will miss and long for forever. A sweet baby boy handpicked by his very own angel... undoubtedly his very best friend as they sit together along that river of life, that great and mighty stream.
Yes, life. A brand new life is growing inside of me. I have no idea what the future holds. I would be foolish to pretend that I could predict even for a moment how this will all go. I know that very scary and unexpected things can happen at any point in a pregnancy or the child's life thereafter. I know I am only guaranteed this moment. I have nothing to go on except for the assurance that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away but that He will never leave me alone. I know that the Lord has been undeniably faithful to me and I trust that he will continue to be. I pray with all of my heart that this baby will be healthy in all regards. I pray more so that I will never have to know a day of my life without him. I am thankful that this life is not all there is and that eternity holds places for my husband and I as well as our daughter and our two sons, where we will all be a family together one day. I am abundantly thankful for the opportunity to love and mother a baby boy again, to watch my daughter grow up with a brother, to watch my husband do all of the things that daddies do with little boys.
This new life, this little boy, could never and will never replace his big brother. Our hearts will never be okay with the fact that we will not get to watch all of our children grow up together. Having another boy is equally as difficult as it is magnificent and the fear that accompanies a pregnancy after the loss of a child is very real. The fear that comes after having a baby diagnosed with congenital heart disease can be crippling. But we will continue to put our trust in Him and know that He will direct our paths and we will sing His praises for this perfect blessing. We will choose joy over fear and we will love deeply for as long as we are able.
Isaiah Maxwell, sweet little gift from Heaven, our darling little Max, you are already adored.
(Baby is due at the end of May 2016. Our anatomy scan is in a few weeks. We are praying and believing for a perfectly formed, perfectly healthy, full term baby boy. Please pray with us.)
